"I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me".
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Monday, December 18, 2017


A few weeks ago I visited the vein clinic to get an ultrasound of my veins done to see if any were a viable option for a dialysis fistula (when the time comes).  The alternative to a fistula is a PC (a catheter) that is a less favourable option, in my opinion (for me personally).  The catheter sticks out of the skin more so there is an increased chance of infection, which means riding is a less desirable option.  A fistula is inserted into the vein with a minor surgery and stays under the skin, so it is disgusting, but comes with a lower risk of infection.  One of the risks with the fistula is it does not last forever.  You eventually loose access of that vein and another one needs to be inserted, so when they are looking for an access point, they like to make sure you have a few good options.  I had two strong candidates, so they felt confident moving forward that a fistula would be an option for me *woohoo...I guess?!* 

Other than that I have spent the majority of my time trying to not get sick.  It's as glamourus as it sounds - lots of washing of the hands, lysol wipes, on guard diffusing, lots of zinc supplements, sleep and limiting contact with the outside world as much as possible.  KNOCKING ON WOOD - I seem to be holding on pretty well.  My clients have been super supportive and have been cancelling their sessions when they are unwell, which makes a huge difference and I have been listening to my body and taking breaks when I need it, sleeping whenever I am tired and trying to stay on top of things.  At this point any little bug that tests my system could really upset the whole balance thing I have going on and take a HUGE toll on my kidney, potentially fast tracking me to dialysis.  With that being said, I'm not living in a bubble.  I am a firm believer that I still need to LIVE, that's the point of all of this.  So I'm still going to the barn and running a few errands - I'm just cautious and wash my hands a LOT! 

Emotionally/mentally, I go through different stages.  I am loving the Christmas spirit and I am very much looking forward to having a week off (I'm TIIIIIRED).  It's still a little bittersweet every time something new and exciting happens.  I get to work with a new horse at the barn and I am so incredibly excited and proud to have the opportunity but at the same time I am SO frustrated that everything I have worked for, the horses, my business, even my body is all going to be taken away and I'm going to have to work my way back up again.  It sucks!  I know I can do it, because I've done it twice before.  I remember a few months after my second transplant being amazed at how amazing I felt.  There are days now where I think I feel pretty good, and in comparison to some really tired days, I do - but I forget what good actually feels like.  I am so used to being in a constant state of exhaustion, I have no idea what it feels like to do more than just get through the day.  So in comparison to some of the really horrible days I've had - I'm doing pretty good.  But I can't wait to actually feel good again.  

Harlow enjoying our extra naps.  

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