Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope

I get why people quit.  I get why people give up.  I understand why people get caught up in the "why me" cycle.  I'm currently in that head space.  I'm frustrated and exhausted and so fucking mad that things can't just run smoothly.  Today was a much better dialysis treatment.  We decided to stick with one needle instead of trying to do two in order to give my arm some more time to heal up.  We were able to take some excess fluid off and other than tired, I'm not feeling too bad, but that last half hour of my three hour treatment left me crawling in my skin.  I wanted nothing more than to get out of the chair.  My butt hurt from sitting on it, the blood pressure cuff (that goes off every half hour) and driving me bat shit crazy and I was tired and hungry.  Miserable.  I was miserable.

Then they told me they really, really want me to come three times a week starting next week.  So that would mean I will be going in Monday, Wednesday and Friday (this is why I have clients schedule and typically go to the barn).  We have been doing three hour treatments, but if the second needle keeps failing and we have to continue with one for a bit they are wanting me to add another hour onto my treatment.  By the time I get the machine all set up, and taken down at the end I'm there for about five hours.  If we add that extra hour onto my treatments I will need to leave 6 hours open in order to accommodate everything.  That's 18 hours of my week that I need to make available for dialysis.  That also means I am rearranging clients, when I ride, taking care of my dog, etc.  I have to rearrange everything I just spent the last month organizing.  And it's really fucking annoying.  I don't want to do this anymore.

So here's the deal: I am giving myself the rest of the day to hate everything (like actually - I probably hate you right now for no reason).  I get the day to be mad and sad and then tomorrow it's time to buck up and figure it all out.  It's all part of the process and I know that by the time tomorrow rolls around I will have it all figured out (cause I'm awesome) :)

PSA: Words of encouragement are welcome.  Unless you have done this before - suggestions/advise are not.  

Hippie Kidney

I have known for several years now that my last transplant was not going to last as long as we were hoping for.  We started to look at another transplant work up almost two years ago.  Within those two years I modified three main things in my life that have SIGNIFICANTLY helped me to prolong starting dialysis and stay off of as much medication as possible.

I tend to lean a little bit more towards the "hippie" side of things.  Western medicine is the only reason I am alive and continue to be alive so that is always my first priority, but when there is a less westernized way of doing things I try to take that route as much as possible (for example, I love essential oils but I will not for a second think they can replace antibiotics).  Here are the three big changes I made in my life to try and prolong the life of my transplanted kidney as much as possible:

1) Osteopathy 
First and foremost I have to give a HUGE shout out to the amazing team at Goodwill Healing.  Getting weekly treatments to help keep fluid moving and stabilize my structure as much as possible is the main reason I have been able to stay off as much medication as I have.  When your kidneys start to fail they can't filter out the same amount of fluid they are supposed to so you start to retain it.  It's really annoying - it feels like you are slausing around.  Usually you get put on medication for this but I was able to stay off of it for a long time because of the osteos being able to keep it moving for me.  It's made all the difference.  

2) Medical Cannabis
I started using cannabis several months ago.  I use the CBD oil during the day to help with discomfort, any anxiety, as well as helping to stabilize blood pressure (high blood pressure is another lovely side effect from kidney failure).  The CBD oil is meant to return your body back to a balanced state without the high you get from the THC oil.  I save the THC oil for the evening to help me sleep.  Insomnia is another side effect from kidney failure - which is super fun when you are permanently exhausted all the time but can't sleep at night.  The THC oil has been a game changer in terms of allowing me to fall and stay asleep.  It's made me a much happier person to be around.  

3) Being a Little Selfish 
The last big change I made was always, always, always putting myself first.  Some people may disagree with me on this one but I did make the metal shift to always putting me and my health first.  I modified my work schedule to give me more downtime; I reevaluated some of the individuals I had in my life who were exhausting to be around; I made more time for the things that make me feel happy and healthy (horses, sleep, sunshine); I started saying no to things (this has been tough for me, especially when it's been things I WANT to do but know I don't have enough energy for); and I started taking people up on their offers to help me.  It's amazing the shift that can happen when you actually start putting yourself first.  I started to really not care what other people thought of me and this was SO LIBERATING.  I'm doing all of this for me, so it really truly does not matter what other people think.  It's become a much healthier way to live.

The only other thing I will say is nutrition does play a huge role.  I didn't include it because my appetite has been shit and I have just been eating whatever sounds appealing to make sure I am getting SOMETHING to eat.  Unfortunately, that has not been the typical green smoothie I would like to want to consume - it's been a little closer to ice Capps and junk, but nutrition does play a big role in this whole process.