"I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me".
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Exhausted Pigeon

Oh my God I am exhausted.  I am like a whole other level of exhausted I didn't know existed.  Part of it is I need a break from work (I get four days off for Easter), but really it's just the fact that I have a failing organ and my body is struggling.  I have to say my doctor timed it perfectly.  I am now at the stage where I am so tired I won't put up a fight about dialysis anymore.  I'm not going to go as far to say I'm looking forward to it (cause I am certainly not) but I am looking forward to having a bit more energy.  It's incredibly frustrating when activities that used to be the highlight of my day now very much feel like a chore (walking Harlow, keeping the house tidy, working, and even some days going to the barn).  All of those things make up my life and make me HAPPY - unfortunately, a lot of the things that make me happy are ACTIVITIES and require movement and energy, it sucks having to pick and choose certain things each day because I only have energy for two big things.  Work is typically one of them and then I can pick either cleaning something, or going to the barn (any guesses on which one wins?).

Overall, I'm still trucking through everything.  I have a lot of not so bad days where I can get through everything and still feel like a living person at the end of the day, but I can definitely feel a shift: a decline in energy, I'm more irritable, appetite is iffy, etc.  All reminders that my reality is I have a failing kidney and it's not going to get better on it's own.  I'm just doing the best that I can to take it day by day.  I'm looking forward to the nicer weather when I can sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.  It's been a very long winter.  

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