"I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me".
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Coffee & Carbohydrates

Food has never really been my thing.  I'm not a foodie, I don't really enjoy food, I just eat because you kind of have to.  On top of that, you add in the unhealthy relationship with food I had in high school with my eating disorder and you can understand why food isn't exactly my thing.  I have learned to control my eating disorder instead of having it control me, but it is something I continue to work through each day, especially when there is so much in my life that I do not have control over currently.  Lack of control is the main contributing factor to the origins of my eating disorder.  Kidney failure at a young age, constant reliance on medication to keep me alive, back surgery (right, have I forgotten to mention that one?! FYI, I have rods in my spine as well)...there is a lot in my life that I have very little control over.  What I ate (or didn't eat) was something I could control.  I have now learned to focus on other things that I can control. Overall, I still don't "live for food", but I try to  focus on the fact that it is fuel to help my body.  I learned to shift my thought from needing to control my life through food, to wanting to be healthy and strong.  I put all of my control issues, self doubt and distorted views of my body into working out and feeding my body appropriately to build muscle.  It worked beautifully.

The problem with that is, I don't currently have an appetite; and I'm tired.  I have had to cut back my workouts from going hard five-six days a week in the gym to one modified weight workout, yoga, some Pilates, walking the dog, and riding.  Don't get me wrong, I am still very active, but I'm not able to channel all of problems and dish them out in a workout.  When it comes to food, I've had to ditch the idea of fuelling my body the best that I can, to simply eating whatever looks appealing because you really do need food to live (so I'm pretty much living off of caffeine and pizza).  To be honest, I am handling it better than I was expecting to.  I was ready to talk myself off some ledges, but I think I am in a good enough place, with a lot of support that my main focus is simply getting through this rather than "looking good" and getting through this.  It would be nice to be eating a bit better, simply because it's better for my body to function the best that it can.  I've even taken the time to prepare healthy meals, but when it comes down to actually sitting down to eat them, the appetite isn't there and I have ended up just wasting a lot of healthy (expensive) food.  So, I've let that go.  I've let food prep go and I am taking it day by day, doing multiple trips to the grocery store and picking up whatever looks appealing that day.  It's been a very interesting experience, this whole learning to forgive myself - it's hard work, but I highly recommend it!        

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