Vulnerability

I depend on a machine to live.  Without that machine, I will literally just die (eventually).  It's a very odd concept to wrap your head around. I don't tend to do well with feeling vulnerable.  I make myself as big and scary as possible and hope my bark is enough that I don't actually have to back anything up - but I will if I have to.  It's a very vulnerable position to be in a) again, the point of me NEEDING that machine to live and b) being locked up to a machine in your own home unable to move is also a very odd feeling.  Besides the needling not going well yesterday, it was very eye opening how vulnerable I felt sitting there.  In any emergency I would have to stop my machine, ideally give my blood back take my needles out and then I could run away from whatever (I watch a lot of TV these days...maybe not a good idea).  I know I'm safe and it helps having Harlow here for back up (don't laugh at that statement if you haven't met her - she has my back, I don't doubt it for a second) but it's still a very hard concept for me to come to terms with.  I don't like relying on anything, I very much like being able to do things myself.

Other than that, yesterday was a very good learning curve.  I got to see how much set up at home worked and what needed to change.  I didn't have enough lighting to really get a good look at my fistula for the needling (thanks to a wonderful client/friend that isn't a problem anymore with my fancy new lamp), and I'm not able to recline on the couch (if my blood pressure were to drop, I need to be able to tip back with my feet up) so we played around with that and a few other things to try and make my life easier.  We have a game play for the next 3 treatments to make sure I have enough support available if I need it.  The nursing staff has been AMAZING and has truly gone above and beyond to help me get home and stay safe.