Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope

I get why people quit.  I get why people give up.  I understand why people get caught up in the "why me" cycle.  I'm currently in that head space.  I'm frustrated and exhausted and so fucking mad that things can't just run smoothly.  Today was a much better dialysis treatment.  We decided to stick with one needle instead of trying to do two in order to give my arm some more time to heal up.  We were able to take some excess fluid off and other than tired, I'm not feeling too bad, but that last half hour of my three hour treatment left me crawling in my skin.  I wanted nothing more than to get out of the chair.  My butt hurt from sitting on it, the blood pressure cuff (that goes off every half hour) and driving me bat shit crazy and I was tired and hungry.  Miserable.  I was miserable.

Then they told me they really, really want me to come three times a week starting next week.  So that would mean I will be going in Monday, Wednesday and Friday (this is why I have clients schedule and typically go to the barn).  We have been doing three hour treatments, but if the second needle keeps failing and we have to continue with one for a bit they are wanting me to add another hour onto my treatment.  By the time I get the machine all set up, and taken down at the end I'm there for about five hours.  If we add that extra hour onto my treatments I will need to leave 6 hours open in order to accommodate everything.  That's 18 hours of my week that I need to make available for dialysis.  That also means I am rearranging clients, when I ride, taking care of my dog, etc.  I have to rearrange everything I just spent the last month organizing.  And it's really fucking annoying.  I don't want to do this anymore.

So here's the deal: I am giving myself the rest of the day to hate everything (like actually - I probably hate you right now for no reason).  I get the day to be mad and sad and then tomorrow it's time to buck up and figure it all out.  It's all part of the process and I know that by the time tomorrow rolls around I will have it all figured out (cause I'm awesome) :)

PSA: Words of encouragement are welcome.  Unless you have done this before - suggestions/advise are not.