Dark & Twisty

DISCLAIMER: I would like to start off by stating very clearly that I am by no means suicidal.  I have been contemplating posting this entry for awhile in fear of people taking it the wrong way.  So again, I will state VERY clearly that while this post gets a little dark and twisty, I have no desire to take my own life.

Besides the whole three kidney transplant thing, I really do have a fantastic life.  I am privileged.  I have never gone hungry (due to lack of available food, the past eating disorder thing is for another time); I have always been able to participate in the activities I love; I have travelled with my family; I have THE most amazing family...
I am the type of person who has a certain way I like to do things - ALL OF THE THINGS.  I like to be busy, and I like to do things well.  Taking a step back from life is not easy for me.  And the fact that I need to right now is so incredibly frustrating.  I experience a huge sense of internal guilt when I can't do all of the things I want to do, in the way I want to do them.  I get overwhelmed and don't exactly know how to deal with that feeling because usually I am just able to do it all.  And this is usually where things start to get dark & twisty.  This is usually when I start to let my thoughts pile up and instead of looking at all of the things that I have been able to do, I look at my long to-do list, all of the things I would (and should) like to get done, but can't seem to create the energy to do them.  Taxes, laundry, dishes, walking my dog, getting groceries - they are all on my list to do and yet I can't seem to get up from the couch to do them.

This is when the idea/reality of having to have a THIRD fucking transplant seems exhausting.  And unfair.  And a really dick move for the universe to do.  The reality starts to sink in that even if I get the transplant, there is the possibility that it won't work and I could end up on dialysis even after the transplant and just for a moment I think it would be so much easier if it all just ended.  The idea of death has never bothered me.  If you think about it, it's kind of easy for the person who dies - their life just ends (and you get to come back as a butterfly and start fresh, if you believe in that sort of thing).  When you die you don't have to deal with exhaustion, or dialysis or laundry.  Death is really just harder on everyone else you have to leave behind, which obviously sucks but for the actual person who dies, it's not that bad.  I've never been afraid to die.  However, the thought of having to live my life in a way I don't want to terrifies me.  Not being able to do the things I want to do, in the way I want to do them terrifies me.  I don't see the point.  What's the point of having LIFE if you can't LIVE it the way you want?  That's why I ride.  My doctors hate that I ride horses due to the risk of falling off, but they give me pleasure, purpose and love.  What's the point of having this "gift of life" if I can't do the things that make me feel alive?

Remember the disclaimer.  You had fair warning - dark & twisty.

It doesn't take too long for this feeling to pass.  The universe usually takes pity on me and sends me some sort of sign that everything is going to be okay; a sunny day, a perfect ride on a horse, Harlow actually tolerating my cuddles - something to remind me that I'm not done here yet.  I know I've got this.  I trust that things happen for a reason.  For some reason the universe needs me to be strong as fuck, so here we go, I can do that.  Strong as fuck coming at you (probably on a horse...with my dog, in the sun...).  

"I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness, and 
nothing will ever exhaust me."

- Elizabeth Gilbert  

(currently on repeat)